Retain Your Independence, Even In a Marriage

So, It’s Independence Day. I’d like to write about the importance of either maintaining your independence or regaining it while also running your family life.

It’s a good time to reflect on the importance of not just how our country gained its independence, and how important that is but how important it is to appreciate the independence we maintain for ourselves. I believe that can be the best catalyst in actually helping society in general. The trick is to do it with an open mind. Great minds that don’t always agree but are willing to work together is how truly great things happen. Getting married doesn’t change this fact.

So, as a stay-at-home mom, after many years, I finally let go of much of my own independence. Taking care of three little ones was exhausting and we were relying on my husband for our family’s one income. For a long time we ran our household with only one vehicle too. Running a household on one income has advantages, but none are financial.

You ARE needed at home that’s how it starts

These things all lead quite naturally to me losing quite a lot of my independence. Even when at various times I did go to work outside the home, it was quite clear that I was needed inside our home, and when you are working at constantly keeping up with jobs that never end it’s really hard to commit to anything else in that same space.

Don’t get me wrong, no one ever told me what I could, or could not do. A few years ago we even reached a point where we’d had two cars pretty steadily. In fact I really love mine, and think it provides a type of freedom I hadn’t considered when I started looking for a car for me. I got it thinking that I could fit the entire family plus either 1 extra adult, or two extra children. I no longer generally have to consider that issue, which I’ll admit I find a bit sad sometimes. Now though, I have been thinking about the fact that I could even live in it! I have camped pretty comfortably in it by myself already. I certainly don’t have to wait around for a car to be available.

Making little sacrifices becomes habit until too much independence is lost

As soon as I got my Yukon I gained potential independence back, BUT I still wound up staying home. I still had to consider what I would be spending if I went out, or when my husband would be waking up, working, sleeping… You get the idea. I wanted to be home to see him off. That lead to him relying on me to wake him up. Since he worked nights he needed to be woken up midafternoon. Little things like that led to me giving up independence without even realizing it, and he didn’t even seeing it when he started taking those things for granted.

My point is that we lose our independence without even noticing it happening. It gets slowly eroded and we truly do depend on one another. Spouses who work outside the home forget that they also depend on us though.

Then something happens, you start off happy about being needed, until you realize there was no thankyou, just expectation

They figure you weren’t doing anything anyway when they call at the crack of dawn to have you pick them up when their car breaks down. You were “just” sleeping, or at home doing “nothing.” Instead of saying thank you they get upset because you didn’t hear the phone at first.  They forget that they sleep with out a phone in earshot and can do that because you’re always home when they wake up. If the same happened to you you’d be on your own for hours and probably with kids in tow.

Because little lives depended on both of you the habit of always choosing caution takes over. Maybe, just bit too much. I have a question you may need to ask yourself, and since this post is all about independence I’m just going to say it. Does your spouse always choose the cautious route or do they always get to be the fun one, while you feel the need to hold back.

Don’t forget you need to live too. Life is not about hiding away in our little corners. There is a certain joy in our lives at home, and caring for our families but we need to remember who we are on our own, and live for ourselves sometimes because no one else can.

We can’t live for our children, and they can not live for us. Our families will be happier if we take away those expectations. I always feel a bit strange adding this, but I also feel like it needs saying. If your spouse isn’t happier with you doing something to improve your own life there are probably bigger problems in your home, and if that’s the case you probably need to hear this even more.

So, here is my advice for this day of Independence.

Get out there and enjoy the light and noise. Let your kids enjoy it too. Ok maybe limit within actual reason, but don’t hold back because of fear, or because someone “might” get scared. Bring some headphones, and a positive outlook. Or, go do something you used to enjoy that you haven’t gotten to do lately. Go for a drive by yourself. If you have been considering going back to work outside the home do it, or get training for whatever it is you’ve been wanting to do. Just start doing something for yourself that you believe is best for you. Not only is it good for yourself, it’s also helps your marriage in the long term.

If you found this post interesting, and would like to read more about my- potentially untraditional outlook on things, here’s a post I wrote about why I’ll never be your average feminist.